IN MY DREAMS…
Setting: Private room of an undisclosed café/bar in Beverley Hills, CA
Wyck Godfrey:
[Indicates to waiter, holds up two fingers]
So Rob, we really want you to do this.
Robert Pattinson:
[Rolls eyes and tosses head]
Jesus Wyck, I told you – no more franchises, no more trilogies.
[Waiter places two fresh Heineken on table, Rob smiles and nods his thanks, politely]
Wyck:
[Intense eye contact]
Well, your commitment would only be for two films with no possibility of further involvement.
Rob:
[Fiddles absentmindedly with beard]
No.
Wyck:
Rob, the studio has asked me to tell you – you do this and they’ll give you 20 million to make a film of that ridiculous screenplay you wrote. You’ll have full control – you can direct, write the score even – go thermo nuclear Eastwood on the whole project.
Rob:
[Smirks]
No one would pay to see it.
Wyck:
Is that something that’s important to you?
Rob:
[Faux petulant scowl]
No. [Pauses and sips beer, scratches hair under beanie]
Full control?
Wyck:
Full. Control.
Come on Rob, you want to do this.
Rob:
[Takes long draught from beer before answering]
No Wyck, I really don’t.
Wyck:
You do. Want me to tell you why?
Rob:
Why not? You’re buying.
Wyck:
Firstly, it’s not a leading role, it’s a supporting role. And it’s an iconic supporting role. Aren’t you the guy who always moans about wanting to do a scene stealing supporting role?
Rob:
Read my lips ‘franchise’.
Wyck:
Hang on, hang on…Second, it’s not a big time commitment.
Rob:
What about press involvement?
Wyck:
We can negotiate.
Rob:
[Rolls eyes]
Wyck:
There’s more. Third, the character has an arc…a big one. You find that sort of thing interesting, right? He starts of cocky and a bit of a smartass but as the story goes on-
Rob:
[Holds up hand to interrupt]
I’ve read the books, Wyck.
Wyck:
Of course you have, you read everything.
Rob:
[Smug smirk]
Wyck:
You get to deliver the four S’s.
Rob:
The four-what-now?
Wyck:
The four S’s…sexiness, swagger-
Rob:
[Incredulous glare]
Wyck:
Piss off, Rob. I’ve seen the Cosmo trailer, you live to swagger.
Rob:
[Shakes head and giggles, waves fingers to indicate for Wyck to continue]
Wyck:
Okay…sexiness, swagger, sadness and suffering. Come on Rob, you’d nail it.
Rob:
[Leans across table and picks up a sugar cube. Turns it around a few times in his fingers, then tosses it up and down a few more times. Holds it between thumb and forefinger and attempts to throw it into his mouth. Overshoots entirely.]
I did it once with a grape.
Wyck:
We can work on that.
Rob:
I suppose wielding a trident would look pretty cool.
Wyck:
Not much different to a paddle board oar, when you think about it.
Rob:
And I’d have to learn how to tie knots in rope?
Wyck:
We’d get you a lesson.
Rob:
It could be interesting.
Wyck:
So, you’ll do it?
Rob:
Buy me another beer and I’ll think about it.
Rob IS Finnick
It’ll never happen but I dare to dream…
Hello Robert Pattinson, you’ve arrived.
Cosmopolis
It’s real. It’s happening. I’m not sure I’m ready.
You Raised Me Right
Hey Dad,
It’s getting late. What movie is Mum making you watch right now? Are you feeling tired and emotional?
Speaking for myself, I am tilting a Heiny in your general direction in salute. Light beer? My father raised me better than that. Plus, I didn’t earn this belly from drinking like a girl (don’t tell Slugger I said that).
You’re right about trying on suits at this hour. Mistake. I was feeling anxious, it’s been a while. Good thing Nick was here - he used this amazing device to clear the room of their existence. It’s called a coat hanger. Revolutionary.
There aren’t enough pillows on this bed (or dog hair) and I miss my guitar. I may be feeling lonely. This could be a turning point in my evening.
See you for breakfast?
Love you,
Rob
Offensive? I’ll give you offensive …
Hello Dad
Offended you may well be but I don’t pack the suits. I have ‘people’. I may have turned diva but I consider it part of ‘the job’. I don’t believe this makes me any less one of the great unwashed masses. Don’t panic - I washed thoroughly. In fact, I smell pretty damn fine.
I would have walked down the hall to deliver this message but Nick insisted on a pedicure. Prick. Therefore I insisted he deliver said pedicure. My cuticles are bleeding. I should never attempt to wield the power. I am an idiot.
Love you,
Rob (smiling through the pain)
Decisions
Hello Dad
To Gucci or not to Gucci - THAT is the question.
Have you decided on yours yet?
Sucks to be me.
Love you,
Rob
Ich mag deutsches Bier
Hello Dad
What can I say? You are my moral and etiquette compass.
I do, however, feel the need to respond to your list (what IS it with you and lists anyway?):
1. Paying compliments to any woman, anywhere, any time gets me into trouble faster than you can say auf wiedersehen fraulein.
2. Please avoid watching all videos of my previous red carpet attendances. I try Dad, honestly.
3. I wish I had the balls to do that Dad. Perhaps with age will come grace … and bigger balls?
4. My nervous hands are defaulted to check-fly-check-jacket-scrunch-hair. It’s an involuntary reflex. At least I don’t pout as much these days. That’s something, right?
5. Thank Christ for your retraction!
6. Sometimes the snacks in the limo are to DIE FOR. What’s a few crumbs between friends?
Thanks for the crack about missing buttons. I can’t help it - Bear seems to have a fetish. Can’t wait to see you and Mum.
Love you,
Rob
